The Crossroads

We are walking in a silence that used to be familiar and safe. We are now strangers who know each other the most. And as we place one foot after the other, the sound of leaves crunching beneath our shoes, our steps no longer in sync, we both silently wonder… how did it ever come to this?

Talk,” you finally say, your voice calm and defeated. You are terrified. I am too. This conversation is long overdue. “And I’ll listen.”

I shake my head because that’s what we are, that’s what we do. We are polar opposites. We contradict. We collide.

Ask,” I murmur enough for you to hear. “And I’ll answer.”

You smile, it was once my favorite smile, but it doesn’t reach your eyes.

I hold my breath, waiting for your response. I clench my hands into fists so you won’t see how tremendously they’re shaking.

We have gone so far on this path we chose to take. We have danced to hundreds of love songs and slain thousands of dragons. But we are almost at the the crossroads and we are both aware that upon reaching it, we will be going our separate ways. For our destinations are no longer the same.

I take your hand in mine one last time and I do not intend to let go until the final second. Although this is not the ending we expected, we are ending our journey the way we started it. Together.

You open your mouth to speak.

And I am ready. We both are.

Y

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Makeshift Stars

At the top of your apartment building, the city stretched on before our very eyes. I wanted to see the stars but the night sky was not clear, so you brought me up here and told me to imagine the city lights were stars.

The silence that followed was comforting as the back of our hands were brushing against each other. It was almost midnight when all the city lights suddenly went off but returned a heartbeat later. 

Maybe I was seeing things so I looked at you and asked, “Did all the lights just went off and came back right after?”

You took this into consideration. “That,” you agreed and turned to smile at me. You grabbed my hand, gave it a gentle squeeze and returned your gaze to our makeshift stars. “Or maybe we both blinked at the same time.”

Y

defeated

i’ve given up
on you,
but,
for the
record, love,
you gave up
on me
first.

whilst i was
struggling to
keep our heads
above the water
for the both
of us
you have left
me there to drown.

i was no longer
fighting along
side you.
this was no longer
our battle.
you’ve raised
your white flag
to surrender
without my
knowledge
and suddenly,
i was all alone
in front of
an army of
thousands.

still i did not
wave my white flag.

but i am tired.
i am exhausted.
and there’s little
to nothing left
inside of me
to continue
swimming,
to continue
fighting this
losing battle
so
i have given up
on you…
on us
but to set things
straight
maybe there
wasn’t even
an us

for you did
not let it be,
for you decided
to walk away
long before
it even had
the chance
to begin.

Y

answer me

how do you move on
when the very thing
that you have kept
tucked, hidden, stored, locked
at the very bottom of your soul
resurfaces, shoots out, opens, returns
at 2:04 in the morning as
you lay in bed and couldn’t
(but you know that you should)
sleep
sleep is such a foreign,
strange little thing of a word

how do you move on?
do you toss and you turn
on your bed until the sandman arrives?
but then you remember how
he used to say that you
sleep like a martial artist
preparing for a spar
once you’ve even
given him a black eye
twice you’ve kneed
him in the groin
you remember how he
isn’t a fan of cuddling in bed but
still he wraps his arms around
you after a rough day
until you fall asleep
it was one of the best sleeps
of your life

how do you move on?
do you scroll through social media?
but then you find yourself
staring at his profile page
you see that the last post
was from his mother
saying that she misses him
every
single
day
just like you
you miss him too
the previous posts were from friends
months ago just after the accident

how do you move on?
do you binge watch movie trailers
do you get up and do chores
do you throw away the engagement ring
do you ugly cry
do you drink that last bottle of beer in the fridge
do you count the cracks on the wall
do you-

something interrupts you
.
.
.
the alarm clock
7 A.M.
you get up
you wipe the tears
you get ready for the day
you tuck, you hide, you store, you lock
and you just know deep down
at the very bottom of your soul
that you’d still be asking that
very same question later on tonight

how do you move on?
.
.
.
maybe you just don’t.

-Y

But Still, We Fall

we are falling
and it isn’t the kind of fall
that we ever expected
i can sense it
how strong gravity really is
as it pulls us down
how the feel of the wind
against my skin stings
like pins and needles
and i know i’m not the only one

we are nearing the ground,
so close to being crushed
or maybe the ocean,
we are this close to drowning
we don’t know what’s down there
and none of us has the guts
to say goodbye first
to let go first
maybe we’ll do it together

but we can hear it
in our awkward silences
we can see it
in our forced smiles
we can feel it
at how our hands
don’t fit quite right anymore
when they’re intertwined

we are falling…
out
falling…
apart
and it isn’t the kind of fall
that we ever expected
but still we fall

Y

this dance

i don’t know what to do or say
you have kept me in the dark,
and i in return
we have been dancing around this for far too long
neither are saying words that would end up complicating things
we are flirting through Facebook likes, Twitter and Instagram hearts
when we see each other, we act like there is nothing going on
even though we’ve talked for hours the night before
that we.
are.
just.
friends.
friends do not hold hands
with fingers intertwined,” they tell me
friends do not kiss,” they tell me
friends do not act like everything
is fine after a kiss like that,” they tell me
i am praying to the gods that you do not
hear how loud my heart is beating when i am with you
what does this mean?
i have been told by others that there is something
but i am too afraid to expect anything from you
but some days, oh, those days,
i let myself just do that,
i let myself think that we are an us
but darling, the music hasn’t stopped
so let’s continue to dance around this a little while longer.

Y

See you. Love you.

He scooped his bag and stood to leave. “I’ll see you after your Astronomy class?”

I was probably lost in a daze, I wasn’t sure, because before I could stop myself, I blurted out, “Yeah. See you. Love you.”

The very second those words reached my ears, the very moment my brain processed what had just happened, my eyes widened and my cheeks heated. Holy mother of all things holy. I wasn’t sure if I really did say the words out loud but the collective gasps around the table confirmed it. And it was only then did I remember that we had an audience. I tuned it all out almost instantly, forgetting my friends who witnessed my little ordeal, forgetting my half eaten sandwich, forgetting the cafeteria buzz in the background, since the only thing that I could hear and feel at this very moment was the loud and fast beating of my heart.

Oh holy mother of all things holy indeed.

I caught his gaze and found him blinking from complete and utter confusion as if he wasn’t sure what he heard actually came from my lips. I don’t how long he just stood there, trying to take it all in like I was.

He was frozen and rooted on his place, he then opened his mouth to speak.

Ohmygod. I don’t want to hear it.

I stood abruptly knocking my chair over in the process, and beat him to whatever he was about to say.

“I didn’t mean that- No, wait.” I paused, instantly regretting it. “Of course I meant what I said but I didn’t expect to say it here… No. Ah fuck. There are a lot of people and when you… it was just us and shit words I need words that can form decent sentences. Just don’t get me wrong, I do love you, okay? No questions asked. No doubt whatsoever. I just can’t believe I said ‘love you’ when I wanted to say ‘i love you’. Don’t give me that look, there’s a difference between those two! But, ugh.” My voice was shaking. I was at a loss. I didn’t know what to say. I found myself staring at the floor. “This isn’t how I pictured it, damn it. Nevermind. Yes.” I sighed and had the courage to finally look up at him, his expression unreadable. “I… love you. Fuck it. I think I’ve fallen for you.”

-Y