1:33 AM thoughts

It is late and it is dark and it is cold. I am alone with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. There are words needed to be said and realities to confront, but instead of being brave, I end up conjuring my very own little bubble of paradise. It is my escape route, my happy place. I close my eyes and I am there. It is only for the time being. It will end, this I know to be true. But at least for now, it isn’t late and it isn’t dark and it isn’t cold.

Y

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The Crossroads

We are walking in a silence that used to be familiar and safe. We are now strangers who know each other the most. And as we place one foot after the other, the sound of leaves crunching beneath our shoes, our steps no longer in sync, we both silently wonder… how did it ever come to this?

Talk,” you finally say, your voice calm and defeated. You are terrified. I am too. This conversation is long overdue. “And I’ll listen.”

I shake my head because that’s what we are, that’s what we do. We are polar opposites. We contradict. We collide.

Ask,” I murmur enough for you to hear. “And I’ll answer.”

You smile, it was once my favorite smile, but it doesn’t reach your eyes.

I hold my breath, waiting for your response. I clench my hands into fists so you won’t see how tremendously they’re shaking.

We have gone so far on this path we chose to take. We have danced to hundreds of love songs and slain thousands of dragons. But we are almost at the the crossroads and we are both aware that upon reaching it, we will be going our separate ways. For our destinations are no longer the same.

I take your hand in mine one last time and I do not intend to let go until the final second. Although this is not the ending we expected, we are ending our journey the way we started it. Together.

You open your mouth to speak.

And I am ready. We both are.

Y

Makeshift Stars

At the top of your apartment building, the city stretched on before our very eyes. I wanted to see the stars but the night sky was not clear, so you brought me up here and told me to imagine the city lights were stars.

The silence that followed was comforting as the back of our hands were brushing against each other. It was almost midnight when all the city lights suddenly went off but returned a heartbeat later. 

Maybe I was seeing things so I looked at you and asked, “Did all the lights just went off and came back right after?”

You took this into consideration. “That,” you agreed and turned to smile at me. You grabbed my hand, gave it a gentle squeeze and returned your gaze to our makeshift stars. “Or maybe we both blinked at the same time.”

Y

My Lone Soldier

I’ve always thought that the line “You saved me.” from books or movies were little white lies. That it was a ploy to get hearts to flutter. Or maybe it was a trigger for all kinds of emotions. Maybe it was just for added effect, the cherry on top.

But most especially, I didn’t like the thought that I needed help to be saved or that I needed saving. I was my own warrior. I did not need a knight in shining armor.  I’ve made it this far, haven’t I?

Here’s the thing.

I have gotten used to fighting this battle between myself and I with no one to rely on that I have been blinded. I have traveled long and far on foot. I have slain every demon my mind has conjured. I was way too over my head that when I reached the edge of the water, I did not hesitate to board the ship on the dock not realizing that it was filled with pirates masked as sailors.

I was outnumbered and the shore was already miles away but that has never stopped me before. This was different. This was more than just the pirates. This was every single one of my inner demons. For the very first time in a long time, I had this gut wrenching feeling that I knew that I was going to lose.

And I did.

Because I let it.

An anchor was tied around myself as they pushed me overboard and the moment I hit rock bottom, I never wondered how long would it take me to get right back to the surface, because I’ve accepted the fact that this was the end-game. There was still so much fighting that needed to be done that maybe if I closed my eyes and held my breath a little longer, then maybe there will be no more of this madness. The rolling credits were near and all I had to do was wait.

However at the very last second, when I least expected it, you came along and pulled me back up from the bottom of the ocean, anchor still intact.

Here’s the magic in the situation, there was always help. From the very beginning. I was simply too selfish and refused to accept a helping hand.

Being saved is not a sign of weakness.

I know that now.

Sometimes it’s okay to have an army  or maybe just one soldier who has your back in this battle against oneself. That’s what you told me.

This, to you my lone soldier, I say with every ounce of gratitude, “you saved me.”

-Y

See you. Love you.

He scooped his bag and stood to leave. “I’ll see you after your Astronomy class?”

I was probably lost in a daze, I wasn’t sure, because before I could stop myself, I blurted out, “Yeah. See you. Love you.”

The very second those words reached my ears, the very moment my brain processed what had just happened, my eyes widened and my cheeks heated. Holy mother of all things holy. I wasn’t sure if I really did say the words out loud but the collective gasps around the table confirmed it. And it was only then did I remember that we had an audience. I tuned it all out almost instantly, forgetting my friends who witnessed my little ordeal, forgetting my half eaten sandwich, forgetting the cafeteria buzz in the background, since the only thing that I could hear and feel at this very moment was the loud and fast beating of my heart.

Oh holy mother of all things holy indeed.

I caught his gaze and found him blinking from complete and utter confusion as if he wasn’t sure what he heard actually came from my lips. I don’t how long he just stood there, trying to take it all in like I was.

He was frozen and rooted on his place, he then opened his mouth to speak.

Ohmygod. I don’t want to hear it.

I stood abruptly knocking my chair over in the process, and beat him to whatever he was about to say.

“I didn’t mean that- No, wait.” I paused, instantly regretting it. “Of course I meant what I said but I didn’t expect to say it here… No. Ah fuck. There are a lot of people and when you… it was just us and shit words I need words that can form decent sentences. Just don’t get me wrong, I do love you, okay? No questions asked. No doubt whatsoever. I just can’t believe I said ‘love you’ when I wanted to say ‘i love you’. Don’t give me that look, there’s a difference between those two! But, ugh.” My voice was shaking. I was at a loss. I didn’t know what to say. I found myself staring at the floor. “This isn’t how I pictured it, damn it. Nevermind. Yes.” I sighed and had the courage to finally look up at him, his expression unreadable. “I… love you. Fuck it. I think I’ve fallen for you.”

-Y

To you, Anon

Words can hurt.

Words can hurt as hell.

It can break you, crush you, destroy you if you let it. I don’t know why I’m writing this. I have no idea where this is going. All I know is that I need to get this, whatever this is, out of my system. I can feel it consuming me and I do not like a single bit of it.

An hour ago I found myself crying on my bathroom floor because of words. Because of your words. Because of how a single person’s opinion affected me and my writing. And holy hell it affected me all right. I know for a fact that I cannot please every single goddamn person out there and I am not planning to, but if you think for one second that trying to bring me down will actually bring me down? Then you do not know me at all. You may have had me there for a minute or two but let me tell you this, you can try as many times as you want but I will always find a way to get back up. Insult me all you want, call me names, ridicule the things I treasure the most and what I am most passionate at. Do whatever you please. I may cry. Scratch that, I will cry because it will hurt; knowing that something I’ve poured my heart into will be trampled upon by the likes of you.

You’ve almost turned me into someone I did not want to be.

Almost.

I’ve met you so many times, in different forms, in different ways, and I do not understand why you do what you do. You have rendered me speechless one too many times. I’ve wasted my tears for you one too many times. I’ve asked myself what was wrong with me, what was wrong with my words that made you hate them as if it was your life’s duty to hate every single thing I write. I honestly thought that you were just a thing of the past, a nightmare forgotten, but I found you, or rather you found me once again and you tell me words that will break me and make you happy. And… I don’t know. I just don’t. Should I understand you? Should I forgive you? Do you want to be forgiven?

I’ve hated myself for a very long time because of you.

Not anymore.

A friend of mine told me I should just ignore you and I’m trying. You’re just ridiculously hard to forget. You’re no good for me, but I can’t seem to get you out of my mind.

You mean, ignorant, hateful you.

I hope you find joy in your life and not in ways that you’ve been doing to me… to people just like me.

Well then… until your words meet mine again.

-Y