answer me

how do you move on
when the very thing
that you have kept
tucked, hidden, stored, locked
at the very bottom of your soul
resurfaces, shoots out, opens, returns
at 2:04 in the morning as
you lay in bed and couldn’t
(but you know that you should)
sleep
sleep is such a foreign,
strange little thing of a word

how do you move on?
do you toss and you turn
on your bed until the sandman arrives?
but then you remember how
he used to say that you
sleep like a martial artist
preparing for a spar
once you’ve even
given him a black eye
twice you’ve kneed
him in the groin
you remember how he
isn’t a fan of cuddling in bed but
still he wraps his arms around
you after a rough day
until you fall asleep
it was one of the best sleeps
of your life

how do you move on?
do you scroll through social media?
but then you find yourself
staring at his profile page
you see that the last post
was from his mother
saying that she misses him
every
single
day
just like you
you miss him too
the previous posts were from friends
months ago just after the accident

how do you move on?
do you binge watch movie trailers
do you get up and do chores
do you throw away the engagement ring
do you ugly cry
do you drink that last bottle of beer in the fridge
do you count the cracks on the wall
do you-

something interrupts you
.
.
.
the alarm clock
7 A.M.
you get up
you wipe the tears
you get ready for the day
you tuck, you hide, you store, you lock
and you just know deep down
at the very bottom of your soul
that you’d still be asking that
very same question later on tonight

how do you move on?
.
.
.
maybe you just don’t.

-Y