dark places

my mind
has been wandering
off to dark places
i never knew existed.

it puzzled me at first.
it frightened me after.
it used to leave me
with a tear or two.

but lately,
i think
i’ve grown fond of
the darkness.

Y

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defeated

i’ve given up
on you,
but,
for the
record, love,
you gave up
on me
first.

whilst i was
struggling to
keep our heads
above the water
for the both
of us
you have left
me there to drown.

i was no longer
fighting along
side you.
this was no longer
our battle.
you’ve raised
your white flag
to surrender
without my
knowledge
and suddenly,
i was all alone
in front of
an army of
thousands.

still i did not
wave my white flag.

but i am tired.
i am exhausted.
and there’s little
to nothing left
inside of me
to continue
swimming,
to continue
fighting this
losing battle
so
i have given up
on you…
on us
but to set things
straight
maybe there
wasn’t even
an us

for you did
not let it be,
for you decided
to walk away
long before
it even had
the chance
to begin.

Y

But Still, We Fall

we are falling
and it isn’t the kind of fall
that we ever expected
i can sense it
how strong gravity really is
as it pulls us down
how the feel of the wind
against my skin stings
like pins and needles
and i know i’m not the only one

we are nearing the ground,
so close to being crushed
or maybe the ocean,
we are this close to drowning
we don’t know what’s down there
and none of us has the guts
to say goodbye first
to let go first
maybe we’ll do it together

but we can hear it
in our awkward silences
we can see it
in our forced smiles
we can feel it
at how our hands
don’t fit quite right anymore
when they’re intertwined

we are falling…
out
falling…
apart
and it isn’t the kind of fall
that we ever expected
but still we fall

Y

this dance

i don’t know what to do or say
you have kept me in the dark,
and i in return
we have been dancing around this for far too long
neither are saying words that would end up complicating things
we are flirting through Facebook likes, Twitter and Instagram hearts
when we see each other, we act like there is nothing going on
even though we’ve talked for hours the night before
that we.
are.
just.
friends.
friends do not hold hands
with fingers intertwined,” they tell me
friends do not kiss,” they tell me
friends do not act like everything
is fine after a kiss like that,” they tell me
i am praying to the gods that you do not
hear how loud my heart is beating when i am with you
what does this mean?
i have been told by others that there is something
but i am too afraid to expect anything from you
but some days, oh, those days,
i let myself just do that,
i let myself think that we are an us
but darling, the music hasn’t stopped
so let’s continue to dance around this a little while longer.

Y

Voiced Thoughts

When people tell me that I think too much,
I think,
Oh, honey, you don’t even know the half of it.”
Yes, I think it,
not utter the words for you to hear.
Am I depriving you
of the bittersweet pleasure
of my unvoiced thoughts?
Or saving you from hearing
just how much I question everything?
How much my thoughts go from
I wonder what I’ll be having for lunch later to
I wonder what it feels like to die?
To no longer breathe
and exist.
Is it really true
that your entire life
flashes right before your very eyes?
Is it kind of like going to sleep, or an endless dream?
But knowing that you’ll never wake up?
I question the pettiest things like
was orange
first a fruit or a color?
Why is it called a “building” when
it’s already built?
I wonder why pink is for girls
while blue is for boys.
Isn’t that a little unfair?
Why is life so unfair?
I wonder how the people
who we call our public officials
whose empty promises we’ve been hearing nonstop
get to sleep at night
when there are people out on the street
begging for money or for food.
And I wonder how I turn a blind eye
every time they ask.
I question good days and bad days.
I question the existence of racism, sexism,
cancer, corruption, wars and so much more.
I question how words were first formed.
Why is love called love?
Did the genius who
thought of joining the letters
L,
O,
V,
and E
knew that such a word would be one of the things
we’d live and fight for?
Was love first a word or was it first felt?
Sometimes I think my thoughts
can save the world,
Sometimes I think my thoughts won’t
contribute a thing to society.
Sometimes, I think.. my thoughts will forever remain inside my head.
Unvoiced.
Unheard.
Unwritten.
Screaming, wanting, needing,
to be voiced, heard, and written.
But for now,
I let my thoughts eat me up
and consume me.
Day by day.
Slowly.
Carefully.


When people tell me that I think too much,
I am this close to asking,
Why aren’t you?”

-Y

lost

i have been lost since
the day we got lost.
do you remember?
the sky was a lovely mix of
orange, yellow, purple, and
blue with a few hints of red.
it was the kind of sky
that painters would itch to paint.

i was starting to worry because
it was about to get dark soon.
you gave me a quick sideways glance,
one hand on the steering wheel while the
other was holding mine
you told me things would be okay and that no,
we weren’t lost.
we were on an adventure.
an adventure that needn’t
a map nor a compass.
and i believed you.
i always believed you.

i have been lost since
we lost track of time that same day
the sun was long gone
it was starting to get cold and
i think i heard thunder
roaring from a distance
but the highway was free
and you were with me
that was all the reassurance
i’ll ever need

we started to sing songs from the radio completely out of tune
we told jokes that weren’t funny at the least but laughed anyway
we talked about the future, we talked about politics,
we talked about the universe,
we talked about my problems and yours
there was no other vehicle in sight
just us
or so we thought

i have been lost since the day you lost control of the car
the rain came down pretty hard and
i don’t know where the hell that truck
came from but everything went
black in an instant.
i have no idea how long it was until my eyes fluttered open
and all i could see was white
and for a second there i thought i was in heaven

i have been lost since
the day i lost you.
and i am sick and tired of missing you.
i am sick and tired of knowing
that i will be spending the
rest of my days missing you.

i don’t like the way i wrote this poem.
as if you’re listening
as if i’m talking to you
as if you’re still there
but goddamn it,
i feel like you still are.