this dance

i don’t know what to do or say
you have kept me in the dark,
and i in return
we have been dancing around this for far too long
neither are saying words that would end up complicating things
we are flirting through Facebook likes, Twitter and Instagram hearts
when we see each other, we act like there is nothing going on
even though we’ve talked for hours the night before
that we.
are.
just.
friends.
friends do not hold hands
with fingers intertwined,” they tell me
friends do not kiss,” they tell me
friends do not act like everything
is fine after a kiss like that,” they tell me
i am praying to the gods that you do not
hear how loud my heart is beating when i am with you
what does this mean?
i have been told by others that there is something
but i am too afraid to expect anything from you
but some days, oh, those days,
i let myself just do that,
i let myself think that we are an us
but darling, the music hasn’t stopped
so let’s continue to dance around this a little while longer.

Y

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Voiced Thoughts

When people tell me that I think too much,
I think,
Oh, honey, you don’t even know the half of it.”
Yes, I think it,
not utter the words for you to hear.
Am I depriving you
of the bittersweet pleasure
of my unvoiced thoughts?
Or saving you from hearing
just how much I question everything?
How much my thoughts go from
I wonder what I’ll be having for lunch later to
I wonder what it feels like to die?
To no longer breathe
and exist.
Is it really true
that your entire life
flashes right before your very eyes?
Is it kind of like going to sleep, or an endless dream?
But knowing that you’ll never wake up?
I question the pettiest things like
was orange
first a fruit or a color?
Why is it called a “building” when
it’s already built?
I wonder why pink is for girls
while blue is for boys.
Isn’t that a little unfair?
Why is life so unfair?
I wonder how the people
who we call our public officials
whose empty promises we’ve been hearing nonstop
get to sleep at night
when there are people out on the street
begging for money or for food.
And I wonder how I turn a blind eye
every time they ask.
I question good days and bad days.
I question the existence of racism, sexism,
cancer, corruption, wars and so much more.
I question how words were first formed.
Why is love called love?
Did the genius who
thought of joining the letters
L,
O,
V,
and E
knew that such a word would be one of the things
we’d live and fight for?
Was love first a word or was it first felt?
Sometimes I think my thoughts
can save the world,
Sometimes I think my thoughts won’t
contribute a thing to society.
Sometimes, I think.. my thoughts will forever remain inside my head.
Unvoiced.
Unheard.
Unwritten.
Screaming, wanting, needing,
to be voiced, heard, and written.
But for now,
I let my thoughts eat me up
and consume me.
Day by day.
Slowly.
Carefully.


When people tell me that I think too much,
I am this close to asking,
Why aren’t you?”

-Y

lost

i have been lost since
the day we got lost.
do you remember?
the sky was a lovely mix of
orange, yellow, purple, and
blue with a few hints of red.
it was the kind of sky
that painters would itch to paint.

i was starting to worry because
it was about to get dark soon.
you gave me a quick sideways glance,
one hand on the steering wheel while the
other was holding mine
you told me things would be okay and that no,
we weren’t lost.
we were on an adventure.
an adventure that needn’t
a map nor a compass.
and i believed you.
i always believed you.

i have been lost since
we lost track of time that same day
the sun was long gone
it was starting to get cold and
i think i heard thunder
roaring from a distance
but the highway was free
and you were with me
that was all the reassurance
i’ll ever need

we started to sing songs from the radio completely out of tune
we told jokes that weren’t funny at the least but laughed anyway
we talked about the future, we talked about politics,
we talked about the universe,
we talked about my problems and yours
there was no other vehicle in sight
just us
or so we thought

i have been lost since the day you lost control of the car
the rain came down pretty hard and
i don’t know where the hell that truck
came from but everything went
black in an instant.
i have no idea how long it was until my eyes fluttered open
and all i could see was white
and for a second there i thought i was in heaven

i have been lost since
the day i lost you.
and i am sick and tired of missing you.
i am sick and tired of knowing
that i will be spending the
rest of my days missing you.

i don’t like the way i wrote this poem.
as if you’re listening
as if i’m talking to you
as if you’re still there
but goddamn it,
i feel like you still are.

See you. Love you.

He scooped his bag and stood to leave. “I’ll see you after your Astronomy class?”

I was probably lost in a daze, I wasn’t sure, because before I could stop myself, I blurted out, “Yeah. See you. Love you.”

The very second those words reached my ears, the very moment my brain processed what had just happened, my eyes widened and my cheeks heated. Holy mother of all things holy. I wasn’t sure if I really did say the words out loud but the collective gasps around the table confirmed it. And it was only then did I remember that we had an audience. I tuned it all out almost instantly, forgetting my friends who witnessed my little ordeal, forgetting my half eaten sandwich, forgetting the cafeteria buzz in the background, since the only thing that I could hear and feel at this very moment was the loud and fast beating of my heart.

Oh holy mother of all things holy indeed.

I caught his gaze and found him blinking from complete and utter confusion as if he wasn’t sure what he heard actually came from my lips. I don’t how long he just stood there, trying to take it all in like I was.

He was frozen and rooted on his place, he then opened his mouth to speak.

Ohmygod. I don’t want to hear it.

I stood abruptly knocking my chair over in the process, and beat him to whatever he was about to say.

“I didn’t mean that- No, wait.” I paused, instantly regretting it. “Of course I meant what I said but I didn’t expect to say it here… No. Ah fuck. There are a lot of people and when you… it was just us and shit words I need words that can form decent sentences. Just don’t get me wrong, I do love you, okay? No questions asked. No doubt whatsoever. I just can’t believe I said ‘love you’ when I wanted to say ‘i love you’. Don’t give me that look, there’s a difference between those two! But, ugh.” My voice was shaking. I was at a loss. I didn’t know what to say. I found myself staring at the floor. “This isn’t how I pictured it, damn it. Nevermind. Yes.” I sighed and had the courage to finally look up at him, his expression unreadable. “I… love you. Fuck it. I think I’ve fallen for you.”

-Y

the act of falling

Fall in love with someone
not meant for you.
It’ll probably end in heartbreak but
fuck that and fall anyway.
The keyword is ‘probably’.
So darling, either savor the love you’re experiencing
right now while it’s still there or
prove them wrong and make it last this lifetime
and the next.

Don’t fall for someone who’s
willing to catch you.
Fall for someone who will fall with you.
Who will get to experience what you’re experiencing.
Face first, hands touching, with hearts pounding.
Feel the adrenaline building up
as you’re plummeting to the ground.
Embrace the impact and just let it be.

Come to realize later on, that it doesn’t matter
who you fall in love with.
A summer fling.
Your childhood best friend.
Your childhood enemy.
That stranger from Starbucks.
The wrong person.
The right person.
How does one even distinguish one from the other
without actually experiencing the fall?
Meant to be or not, it will still not be easy.
Because nothing. Ever. Is.
It isn’t about trial and error,
It isn’t about falling in and out of love,
It isn’t about the number of times you’ve fallen
no matter how fast or slow.
It’s the fact that you were
brave enough to try that counts.

Falling in love can be a lot of things
but it is most certainly not a waste of time.
It’s like diving into the ocean, into the unknown.
Will there be a sunken ship with hidden treasure?
A bunch of hungry sharks waiting for their next meal?
The lost city of Atlantis maybe?
Who knows.
It’s a complete mystery that even Sherlock can’t solve.
But don’t let that stop you.
Let it excite you.
Let it be the spark that will ignite you.
Knowing that you don’t know what’s going to happen next
is what makes it utterly worth it in the end.

So, fall,
with certainty, with uncertainty.
with eyes wide open or tightly closed.
There are no rules.
Darling, take a deep breath
and just  F
                  A 
                  L
                  L
                   .

-Y

AUs

do you believe in alternate universes?
because I do.
i’d like to think that all my lost hopes,
wishes, and dreams come true there.
in another earth, i’m an astronaut.
i get to wish upon stars a
wee bit closer than before.
in some other dimension, i’m a superhero.
i get to fight crime and maybe even
be a member of the Justice League.
in a different world, i’m an author.
i actually finished writing
a novel length story and  got it published.
in an alternate universe, i’m an animator.
i get to work at disney or dreamworks
or wherever because either way, i’ll
still be living the dream.

do you believe in alternate universes?
because I do.
i’d like to think that all my lost hopes,
wishes, and dreams come true there.
in another earth,
i could’ve had made a stand.
in some other dimension,
i might’ve had taken the risk.
in a different world,
i would’ve had the courage.
then, maybe then, only then…
in that one particular alternate universe,
i, at least, get to have you.
but not in this universe,
not anymore.

-Y

To you, Anon

Words can hurt.

Words can hurt as hell.

It can break you, crush you, destroy you if you let it. I don’t know why I’m writing this. I have no idea where this is going. All I know is that I need to get this, whatever this is, out of my system. I can feel it consuming me and I do not like a single bit of it.

An hour ago I found myself crying on my bathroom floor because of words. Because of your words. Because of how a single person’s opinion affected me and my writing. And holy hell it affected me all right. I know for a fact that I cannot please every single goddamn person out there and I am not planning to, but if you think for one second that trying to bring me down will actually bring me down? Then you do not know me at all. You may have had me there for a minute or two but let me tell you this, you can try as many times as you want but I will always find a way to get back up. Insult me all you want, call me names, ridicule the things I treasure the most and what I am most passionate at. Do whatever you please. I may cry. Scratch that, I will cry because it will hurt; knowing that something I’ve poured my heart into will be trampled upon by the likes of you.

You’ve almost turned me into someone I did not want to be.

Almost.

I’ve met you so many times, in different forms, in different ways, and I do not understand why you do what you do. You have rendered me speechless one too many times. I’ve wasted my tears for you one too many times. I’ve asked myself what was wrong with me, what was wrong with my words that made you hate them as if it was your life’s duty to hate every single thing I write. I honestly thought that you were just a thing of the past, a nightmare forgotten, but I found you, or rather you found me once again and you tell me words that will break me and make you happy. And… I don’t know. I just don’t. Should I understand you? Should I forgive you? Do you want to be forgiven?

I’ve hated myself for a very long time because of you.

Not anymore.

A friend of mine told me I should just ignore you and I’m trying. You’re just ridiculously hard to forget. You’re no good for me, but I can’t seem to get you out of my mind.

You mean, ignorant, hateful you.

I hope you find joy in your life and not in ways that you’ve been doing to me… to people just like me.

Well then… until your words meet mine again.

-Y