Pastels and Grays

I am a stranger to myself. When I am alone, I either feel too much or nothing at all. It is something that I try and fail to shake off. It is an annoying shadow, a never ending tapping sound, a thief in the night. At times it is sudden. At times I hear its footsteps coming closer long before it even arrives. My heart can win a marathon at how fast it beats at night when all thoughts consume my existence as I lay awake until I am too exhausted to think. I like to say that I’ve mastered the art of faking a smile. Quite easy, actually, I could show you how. It is disguised in colorful paintings, in the corniest of jokes, in a single sigh.

I have this nagging feeling that I have an entire stadium full of people just waiting for me to crumble and they’re getting what they want.

But I can’t let them.

For I am stronger than this.

I better be.

Y

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defeated

i’ve given up
on you,
but,
for the
record, love,
you gave up
on me
first.

whilst i was
struggling to
keep our heads
above the water
for the both
of us
you have left
me there to drown.

i was no longer
fighting along
side you.
this was no longer
our battle.
you’ve raised
your white flag
to surrender
without my
knowledge
and suddenly,
i was all alone
in front of
an army of
thousands.

still i did not
wave my white flag.

but i am tired.
i am exhausted.
and there’s little
to nothing left
inside of me
to continue
swimming,
to continue
fighting this
losing battle
so
i have given up
on you…
on us
but to set things
straight
maybe there
wasn’t even
an us

for you did
not let it be,
for you decided
to walk away
long before
it even had
the chance
to begin.

Y

the clock has stopped

i look at you
and my heart breaks
slowly but surely
little by little.
every intake of breath,
a struggle for you.
and i
don’t have the strength
to watch
but there’s also
a part of me that longs
to spend
every second of the day
with you.
i don’t know
how much time you have left.
i admit that i am weak
that i am not strong enough
to say goodbye,
to let go,
but the clock is ticking, my angel
and i may not have
that much of choice
the very situation is
forcing me to be strong
in front of you
but once the doors are closed
and i am alone
everything crumbles.

Y
for Tiny (May 2007-October 23, 2016)

answer me

how do you move on
when the very thing
that you have kept
tucked, hidden, stored, locked
at the very bottom of your soul
resurfaces, shoots out, opens, returns
at 2:04 in the morning as
you lay in bed and couldn’t
(but you know that you should)
sleep
sleep is such a foreign,
strange little thing of a word

how do you move on?
do you toss and you turn
on your bed until the sandman arrives?
but then you remember how
he used to say that you
sleep like a martial artist
preparing for a spar
once you’ve even
given him a black eye
twice you’ve kneed
him in the groin
you remember how he
isn’t a fan of cuddling in bed but
still he wraps his arms around
you after a rough day
until you fall asleep
it was one of the best sleeps
of your life

how do you move on?
do you scroll through social media?
but then you find yourself
staring at his profile page
you see that the last post
was from his mother
saying that she misses him
every
single
day
just like you
you miss him too
the previous posts were from friends
months ago just after the accident

how do you move on?
do you binge watch movie trailers
do you get up and do chores
do you throw away the engagement ring
do you ugly cry
do you drink that last bottle of beer in the fridge
do you count the cracks on the wall
do you-

something interrupts you
.
.
.
the alarm clock
7 A.M.
you get up
you wipe the tears
you get ready for the day
you tuck, you hide, you store, you lock
and you just know deep down
at the very bottom of your soul
that you’d still be asking that
very same question later on tonight

how do you move on?
.
.
.
maybe you just don’t.

-Y

all in five minutes

it’s 10:52PM and i am frantically typing down words to get them out of my system

it’s 10:51PM and i finally breathe out, i am squeezing my teddy bear, heart pounding, mind scattered

it’s 10:50PM and i am closing my eyes and i am trying to hold my breath just to see how it feels

it’s 10:49PM and i am thinking about my death because time. flies. so. fast. 

it’s 10:48PM and a friend sends me a throwback picture of an 8 year old me, she says she wishes for a time machine

it’s 10:47PM and i am cramming for my exam, i am wondering if i still have time to study everything

Y