answer me

how do you move on
when the very thing
that you have kept
tucked, hidden, stored, locked
at the very bottom of your soul
resurfaces, shoots out, opens, returns
at 2:04 in the morning as
you lay in bed and couldn’t
(but you know that you should)
sleep
sleep is such a foreign,
strange little thing of a word

how do you move on?
do you toss and you turn
on your bed until the sandman arrives?
but then you remember how
he used to say that you
sleep like a martial artist
preparing for a spar
once you’ve even
given him a black eye
twice you’ve kneed
him in the groin
you remember how he
isn’t a fan of cuddling in bed but
still he wraps his arms around
you after a rough day
until you fall asleep
it was one of the best sleeps
of your life

how do you move on?
do you scroll through social media?
but then you find yourself
staring at his profile page
you see that the last post
was from his mother
saying that she misses him
every
single
day
just like you
you miss him too
the previous posts were from friends
months ago just after the accident

how do you move on?
do you binge watch movie trailers
do you get up and do chores
do you throw away the engagement ring
do you ugly cry
do you drink that last bottle of beer in the fridge
do you count the cracks on the wall
do you-

something interrupts you
.
.
.
the alarm clock
7 A.M.
you get up
you wipe the tears
you get ready for the day
you tuck, you hide, you store, you lock
and you just know deep down
at the very bottom of your soul
that you’d still be asking that
very same question later on tonight

how do you move on?
.
.
.
maybe you just don’t.

-Y

all in five minutes

it’s 10:52PM and i am frantically typing down words to get them out of my system

it’s 10:51PM and i finally breathe out, i am squeezing my teddy bear, heart pounding, mind scattered

it’s 10:50PM and i am closing my eyes and i am trying to hold my breath just to see how it feels

it’s 10:49PM and i am thinking about my death because time. flies. so. fast. 

it’s 10:48PM and a friend sends me a throwback picture of an 8 year old me, she says she wishes for a time machine

it’s 10:47PM and i am cramming for my exam, i am wondering if i still have time to study everything

Y

But Still, We Fall

we are falling
and it isn’t the kind of fall
that we ever expected
i can sense it
how strong gravity really is
as it pulls us down
how the feel of the wind
against my skin stings
like pins and needles
and i know i’m not the only one

we are nearing the ground,
so close to being crushed
or maybe the ocean,
we are this close to drowning
we don’t know what’s down there
and none of us has the guts
to say goodbye first
to let go first
maybe we’ll do it together

but we can hear it
in our awkward silences
we can see it
in our forced smiles
we can feel it
at how our hands
don’t fit quite right anymore
when they’re intertwined

we are falling…
out
falling…
apart
and it isn’t the kind of fall
that we ever expected
but still we fall

Y

this dance

i don’t know what to do or say
you have kept me in the dark,
and i in return
we have been dancing around this for far too long
neither are saying words that would end up complicating things
we are flirting through Facebook likes, Twitter and Instagram hearts
when we see each other, we act like there is nothing going on
even though we’ve talked for hours the night before
that we.
are.
just.
friends.
friends do not hold hands
with fingers intertwined,” they tell me
friends do not kiss,” they tell me
friends do not act like everything
is fine after a kiss like that,” they tell me
i am praying to the gods that you do not
hear how loud my heart is beating when i am with you
what does this mean?
i have been told by others that there is something
but i am too afraid to expect anything from you
but some days, oh, those days,
i let myself just do that,
i let myself think that we are an us
but darling, the music hasn’t stopped
so let’s continue to dance around this a little while longer.

Y

Voiced Thoughts

When people tell me that I think too much,
I think,
Oh, honey, you don’t even know the half of it.”
Yes, I think it,
not utter the words for you to hear.
Am I depriving you
of the bittersweet pleasure
of my unvoiced thoughts?
Or saving you from hearing
just how much I question everything?
How much my thoughts go from
I wonder what I’ll be having for lunch later to
I wonder what it feels like to die?
To no longer breathe
and exist.
Is it really true
that your entire life
flashes right before your very eyes?
Is it kind of like going to sleep, or an endless dream?
But knowing that you’ll never wake up?
I question the pettiest things like
was orange
first a fruit or a color?
Why is it called a “building” when
it’s already built?
I wonder why pink is for girls
while blue is for boys.
Isn’t that a little unfair?
Why is life so unfair?
I wonder how the people
who we call our public officials
whose empty promises we’ve been hearing nonstop
get to sleep at night
when there are people out on the street
begging for money or for food.
And I wonder how I turn a blind eye
every time they ask.
I question good days and bad days.
I question the existence of racism, sexism,
cancer, corruption, wars and so much more.
I question how words were first formed.
Why is love called love?
Did the genius who
thought of joining the letters
L,
O,
V,
and E
knew that such a word would be one of the things
we’d live and fight for?
Was love first a word or was it first felt?
Sometimes I think my thoughts
can save the world,
Sometimes I think my thoughts won’t
contribute a thing to society.
Sometimes, I think.. my thoughts will forever remain inside my head.
Unvoiced.
Unheard.
Unwritten.
Screaming, wanting, needing,
to be voiced, heard, and written.
But for now,
I let my thoughts eat me up
and consume me.
Day by day.
Slowly.
Carefully.


When people tell me that I think too much,
I am this close to asking,
Why aren’t you?”

-Y

lost

i have been lost since
the day we got lost.
do you remember?
the sky was a lovely mix of
orange, yellow, purple, and
blue with a few hints of red.
it was the kind of sky
that painters would itch to paint.

i was starting to worry because
it was about to get dark soon.
you gave me a quick sideways glance,
one hand on the steering wheel while the
other was holding mine
you told me things would be okay and that no,
we weren’t lost.
we were on an adventure.
an adventure that needn’t
a map nor a compass.
and i believed you.
i always believed you.

i have been lost since
we lost track of time that same day
the sun was long gone
it was starting to get cold and
i think i heard thunder
roaring from a distance
but the highway was free
and you were with me
that was all the reassurance
i’ll ever need

we started to sing songs from the radio completely out of tune
we told jokes that weren’t funny at the least but laughed anyway
we talked about the future, we talked about politics,
we talked about the universe,
we talked about my problems and yours
there was no other vehicle in sight
just us
or so we thought

i have been lost since the day you lost control of the car
the rain came down pretty hard and
i don’t know where the hell that truck
came from but everything went
black in an instant.
i have no idea how long it was until my eyes fluttered open
and all i could see was white
and for a second there i thought i was in heaven

i have been lost since
the day i lost you.
and i am sick and tired of missing you.
i am sick and tired of knowing
that i will be spending the
rest of my days missing you.

i don’t like the way i wrote this poem.
as if you’re listening
as if i’m talking to you
as if you’re still there
but goddamn it,
i feel like you still are.

See you. Love you.

He scooped his bag and stood to leave. “I’ll see you after your Astronomy class?”

I was probably lost in a daze, I wasn’t sure, because before I could stop myself, I blurted out, “Yeah. See you. Love you.”

The very second those words reached my ears, the very moment my brain processed what had just happened, my eyes widened and my cheeks heated. Holy mother of all things holy. I wasn’t sure if I really did say the words out loud but the collective gasps around the table confirmed it. And it was only then did I remember that we had an audience. I tuned it all out almost instantly, forgetting my friends who witnessed my little ordeal, forgetting my half eaten sandwich, forgetting the cafeteria buzz in the background, since the only thing that I could hear and feel at this very moment was the loud and fast beating of my heart.

Oh holy mother of all things holy indeed.

I caught his gaze and found him blinking from complete and utter confusion as if he wasn’t sure what he heard actually came from my lips. I don’t how long he just stood there, trying to take it all in like I was.

He was frozen and rooted on his place, he then opened his mouth to speak.

Ohmygod. I don’t want to hear it.

I stood abruptly knocking my chair over in the process, and beat him to whatever he was about to say.

“I didn’t mean that- No, wait.” I paused, instantly regretting it. “Of course I meant what I said but I didn’t expect to say it here… No. Ah fuck. There are a lot of people and when you… it was just us and shit words I need words that can form decent sentences. Just don’t get me wrong, I do love you, okay? No questions asked. No doubt whatsoever. I just can’t believe I said ‘love you’ when I wanted to say ‘i love you’. Don’t give me that look, there’s a difference between those two! But, ugh.” My voice was shaking. I was at a loss. I didn’t know what to say. I found myself staring at the floor. “This isn’t how I pictured it, damn it. Nevermind. Yes.” I sighed and had the courage to finally look up at him, his expression unreadable. “I… love you. Fuck it. I think I’ve fallen for you.”

-Y